apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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