i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
