Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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