i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
