I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
