Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
