Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
