I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
