I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
