I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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