a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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