she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm jealous of your bromance
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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