so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
