I must be too annoying 4 u.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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