i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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