I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
