What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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