just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
