I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
