Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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