3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
