Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
