Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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