god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
