The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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