I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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