Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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