Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
