Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
