i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
