youre lurking in front of me
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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