I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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