Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
