i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
