My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
