Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize