I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
