Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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