if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
