I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
