just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
