I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
