I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
