Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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