Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
