sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
All I want is dick and wine.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
