Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
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why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
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I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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