The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
