He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
