i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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