i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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