get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
