Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
