Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
