first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
