I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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