So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
