She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
