i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
