we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I just blew my weed a kiss
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
