i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
