ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
